BLONDE by Carol E. Cox

 Blonds/blondes form a distinctive colour minority group that requires legal and public support of their basic human rights just as any other visual minority does. The article entitled “Blonds proclaim national day in U.S. to dispel stereotypes”, appeared in the Times of London and was reprinted in the Vancouver Sun in Vancouver, Canada on Tuesday June the 5th on page A9. Although the article addresses the need to dispel the myth of the dumb blond, Fern Magnin and the other club members referred to are not blond or blonde and have no claim to the name. The word blonde describes a physiological colour scheme which is expressed in the physical characteristics of very few members of the human race. Physiology which does not produce the highly unusual and extremely visually distinctive blonde physical characteristics, including blonde follicles, is not blonde and does not have the right to be called blonde.

 The article introduces a legal support group for blondes who have been “treated wrongly for their follicular appearance.” However, the members of this club are not actually innocent blondes who need protecting. They are in fact guilty bleached brunettes with brown follicles who use the name blonde and the blonde image under false pretenses. Their impersonation of blondes creates the confusion that allows the reprehensible behavior, trashy attitudes and generally acknowledged dirtiness of bleached brunettes to be blamed on blondes.

Our mission as blondes is to dispel the widespread misconception that bleached brunettes are blonde. All bleached brunettes deliberately choose to be visually associated with so-called blonde jokes. They choose to be the cause of the jokes so the jokes should be renamed and retold as bleached brunette jokes. Although lying is the most prejudicially stupid thing you can do in court, these lawyers who are supposedly the crème de la crème of bleached brunettes are such shameless liars that they have said in public that they want to tell their lie in court. They want to win the right to lie and not be called liars.

  National Blonde Day, July 9, belongs to the 9% of people who are blonde. National Bleached Brunette Day can be July 10.

  Bleached brunettes can never gain any moral, legal or intellectual credibility because their evidence is a lie. As a group, bleached brunettes and their bottle make-over suppliers have garnered substantial personal and financial gains at the expense of a very small colour minority. They have bought and sold the name blonde and the blonde image without permission from us, without consideration for us and without compensation to us.

  They have willfully damaged the good reputation of blondes and they should be made to pay for their libel and slander. A class action is being organized and damages will be claimed.

  As blondes, we are fed up with bleached brunettes and we’re not going to stand for it any more. We’ve had to endure untold hardships because of them and we absolutely refuse to take any responsibility for the stench they’ve created and are now hypocritically complaining about. We would like them to take full responsibility for being the dumb stereotype and for causing all of the prejudice against blondes. All they have to do is tell the truth about who and what they are, and blondes will be instantly exonerated.